Saturday, May 13, 2017

Bank With The World's Worst Cameras Gets Robbed In Lakeview

Cops are looking for a man who held up the Byline Bank branch at 1401 West Belmont in Lakeview on Saturday morning. And the Byline Bank branch oughta be shopping for new cameras. Pronto.

The suspect seems to have identified and then robbed the bank that's "protected" by what may very well be the world's lowest-quality camera system. And he made $1,352 for his efforts, according to a source.

The suspected robber | FBI
Cops responded to bank alarms around 9:50 this morning after the offender handed a demand note to a teller.

The robber is described as a white male between 25- and 35-years old with tattoos on his neck and hands. He's about 5'9" tall and weighs about 155 pounds and he has a blond or reddish-blond mustache, a witness said.

Another witness said that the man wore a Chicago Blackhawks baseball cap, but you'd never know that by looking at the FBI's image of the offender.

The word "CHICAGO" emblazoned in giant letters on the robber's gray sweatshirt is almost legible. Or does that say "OHIO AGE?" Whatevs.

Anyone with information about the man depicted in the worst photographic image since the Patterson–Gimlin film is asked to call the Chicago FBI office at 312-421-6700

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10 comments:

  1. That's about as bad as the camera on my old dumb slide phone. (I though it was hot shit when I bought it in 2007).

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  2. Damn you, CWB. You made me expend energy by referencing the Patterson-Gimlin film. It took great effort to Google that. I'm not going to make it easy for the next reader by revealing what I've learned.

    You're funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One of our guys spent nearly 30 seconds hot linking that phrase to Wikipedia and you *still* Googled it? My man.

      Delete
  3. If a bank has such poor technology to provide security for their lobby, it makes you wonder how poor their technology is to provide security for their customer accounts.

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    Replies
    1. Their excuse could be extreme financial distress from 2007 - onward, and they damned bear collapsed in 2013. (They probably should have).

      Delete
  4. What are the chances that there are two red heads hitting up banks in Lakeview. Maybe he's the brother of the Jewel Osco bank robber.

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  5. I think his shirt says "The Sheriff is near."

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  6. That robber guy is either Barney the Dinousaur or it's Clutch Cargo. I'm sure of it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Zapruder called from the grave, told me this gave him a good laugh.

    ReplyDelete