Tuesday, December 31, 2013

LAST LAUGHS: 2013's Weird Ones

We established CWB in April to inform our neighbors, hold officials and institutions responsible, and, hopefully, generate changes that will help make our neighborhood as safe as it was just a few years ago. We’ll be pushing ahead with that mission in 2014.

That being said…     We’ve heard some crazy arse stuff ‘round here!

Ich bin ein up the butt!
Our favorite bizarro moment came in late July when Alderman Tom Tunney took to the City Council floor to speak about proposed renovations to Wrigley Field. 

In a free-flowing rant, Tunney suddenly promised to be “up the butt every day.”
You have to be a good neighbor. Otherwise, I'm gonna be up your butt every day. And I’m gonna tell ya, I’m gonna be up the butt everyday to make sure that the commitments that  Ricketts make and that the commitments that the mayor makes are actually solidified by your support as colleagues!
The cherished audio of Tunney’s  speech is still available online at WLS. Within days, Tunney’s promise went national on Jimmy Kimmel’s show.

One September morning, 911 callers report “a man wearing only a loin cloth, a necklace, and carrying a giant spear” near Diversey and Sheridan. And they were right. An officer soon confirms, "I ask questions. He doesn't respond. He just looks at me and shakes his stick…He looks like something out of that movie, Shaka Zulu."


Wednesday, November 6, 3:22PM—The Transportation Security Administration asks 19th district police to check on the well-being of an employee. TSA says that the employee "hasn't been to work in three weeks" and they're "getting concerned."

After months and months of police claims that the typical robbery victim is someone “playing with their phone” “not paying attention” and/or “listening to their iPod,” a new sketch of the since-tabled OUT hotel project was released.  It clearly shows a woman walking on Halsted Street playing with her phone with her ear buds in.

"Can I get an ambulance for this guy? I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with him. He's got pickles coming out of his nose."

June 24, 4:06AM: A woman calls 911 from the 500 block of W. Wellington to report that she lives alone and she just discovered a box of condoms under her pillow. 

Early on the morning of August 13, directly underneath one of the city’s completely worthless police cameras, unknown offenders attacked and killed the giant Kraft Macaroni And Cheese sculpture at Clark and Addison. The pasta killers are never found.

Let's Get Physical — Best Descriptions of 2013
Uptown Girl: DISPATCHER: Okay. Now we've got an intoxicated woman arguing with the alderman at 4400 North Sheridan. She's a female, black, she's . . . uh. . . okay. . . she's missing an eye. . . uh, missing an eye. . . uh. . . she has a red hat on backwards and she's walking toward the Jewel with a fifth of vodka in her pants. Uh. . . okay. . . now it says she is a man dressed as a woman. Man dressed as a woman, uh, blue shirt, gray jeans and, uh…and the vodka is between her legs inside her pants. One eye.

First Runner Up: Male, black, dressed as a woman. 40 years old, very thin, wearing a women's three-quarter length beige faux fur, skin tight blue jeans, long brown hair, a skull cap, lots of stubble, and carrying a tan purse. Also, he has the guard's handcuffs attached to his left wrist.

Second Runner Up: 19th district officers are sent to check the well-being of a woman in the 4400 block of North Campbell. The woman is described as a wearing a pink bonnet, blue t-shirt, red shorts, and she is reportedly trying to throw herself down a sewer.